In the Midst of the Dying and the Healing

I spent my first whole day in the intensive care unit (ICU) this week. I was doing a respiratory therapy shift, something that most paramedic students that are in a program that is worth a shit are required to do. We have to listen to lung sounds, extubate people, suction airways, that kind of stuff. The ICU is an odd place, stuck in between hope and despair. The people that work there are something to be admired, I don't think its for me.

Patients there are in one of three states it seems; dying, healing, or in limbo. I am sure all of us here have dealt with the dying kind, either with loved ones or acquaintences. Many of us may have been the healing kind, or had direct contact with those that have been in the ICU for a time. It's the limbo kind that not too many people are familiar with. They are the ones that bother me.

The patients that are in limbo have some "untreatable," or "inoperable" condition. Their families hurt, they hurt, the people that work with them even hurt a little. They have no recourse, and their outcomes are usually very sad. These people are the topic of many a medical ethics conversation (that usually turns into an argument). I took a class in school called Death, Dying, and Medical Ethics and we talked about that kinda stuff a lot. I can tell you this, it is fairly difficult to find two people that share the same opinion on medical ethics and morality/mortality.

I am tired tonight. I am on shift again, this will make my third 24 hour shift here. The last two I haven't been able to sleep. Strange bed, strange sounds, plus the underlying feeling that you may have to jump up out of bed at any time and go do something. They say you get used to it. I hope so. I think I am getting too old to go without sleep completely.